You probably want to win this contest - A LOT. IF you win you get to go to CANFEST - basically, party in a can - in RENO. You’ve never been to Reno, some people say it’s lame (what do they know?!?) but you think it would be pretty dope if you were crunked out on cans of craft beer!
But how are you going to CHARLIE SHEEN this opportunity? There’s like, a million, beer blogs out there! A lot of them suck, a lot of them don’t, some are just like the popular kids with no personality….but the question persists of how to make yourself stand out enough to snatch up those tickets to the hopgasm of the year? WELL, just follow this awesome 10 step guide on how to be really good at winning contests!
1) DON’T BE A DUD(E)
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but craft beer loving dudes are soooo first decade. It’s 2011 people! Oh wait, you’re a guy who loves beer? Do you hear that sound? Yeah it’s the echo of no one caring. Chicks are the new black!
2) MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE: BE PUNNY!
Pun’s are the highest form of humor. They are a linguistic art form, and your vernacular prowess is the ultimate adage to increasing not only your likability, but also people remembering the hell the name of your blog is.
3) BE REALLY POPULAR!
One easy way of spreading your beer-love around the globe faster than swine flu is tapping into star warz nerd culture.
4) EXPLAIN THE CONSEQUENCES
Just be honest. Tell the judges if you lose you will lock yourself in a room, cry in your pillow while drinking a bottle of Riesling (cause that’s what losers drink) with Blonde Redhead on repeat. You will never be able to quit your day job to be a professional contest winner. Your parents will say things like “Why can’t you be better at winning contests like your sister?” You will never be able to look at beer in a can the same way, not without a rising tide of shame that washes over you like alcohol-induced vom.
If you win you will jump around on the couch squealing “OOOOH oooh OOOH ohh OOHH ooh OHHHH” a la Austra! You have life long bragging rights! You will be able to put “Skills include: Winning Contests” on your resume! Goood bye day job!
5) DON’T BE A SNOB
Snobs are people that nobody likes. Don’t think modifying the noun “snob” with “beer” increases your like-ability, or makes you cooler. It doesn’t. Beer is good because it A) Tastes good B) is an art form and C) brings people together (as you can see, meta-lists within lists are inherent in constest winning). Beer should not be celebrated for creating drinking classism, irrelevant descriptors, esoteric vocabulary,or know-it-all culture. Beer enthusiasts, beer lovers, beer connoisseurs, beer aficionados, and beer drinkers will be invited to your I-just-won-a-contest-lets-drink-party!, and the snobs can stay home polishing their snifters and crying into their keyboards while they draft blog posts about idiots “who drink beer but just don’t get it!”
6) DRINK A BEER
By now you are probably like, “OMG there’s HOW many more steps! How am I going to
write read 4 more??” Well, just relax and go drink a can of beer to get the brain juices flowing again.
7) WRITE A BRILLIANT BLOG
You might think you’re brilliant, but acknowledgment - in this case from Foodista - is always welcome.
8) PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD
Beer isn’t just for drinking, it’s for cooking! And you need to have an arsenal of recipes and delish dishes so that both tummy’s and livers are satisfied. A little beer in your soup? Sure why not! Caramelized fennel and onions in beer? TOTALLY!
9) BREW IT
This is probably the easiest and fastest way to get over yourself and how awesome you are, then totally build yourself back up again (which leads one to speculate Buddhists must be brewers). You might think YOU KNOW BEER. Well, you don’t unless you’ve made it.
Ever lug a 10 gallon pot through grand central station? Ever heat up your kitchen to the bowels-of-hell-degree and spend an hour stirring a pot of hot sticky liquid? Ever spill wort all behind your stove and have a dead mouse wash out from underneath? No? Oh, sorry. I guess you don’t know beer.
10) KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE
Acknowledge the fact that yes - YOU ARE WITTY - but no, most people aren’t going to finish this list. It’s not about ending strong. It’s about ending on a nice, even number.